If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
