I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
