no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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