I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
