if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
