It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
