Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
