I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
