Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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