Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
