i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
