I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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