I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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