Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
