What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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