remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
