**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
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ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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