So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
