how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
