there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
