Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
