Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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