There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
