I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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