i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.