i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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