This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
