The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
