"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
