My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
