In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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