my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
