Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
