My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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