he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
