So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
