i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
