dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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