My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize