I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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