Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
