I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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