I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
