so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
