This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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