I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
