I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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