did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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