Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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