Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i was born a porn star she said
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
