You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
