I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
